बा

आज साँझ पशुपतिनाथ पुग्दा
मलाई बाको झल्झली सम्झना आयो
सायद बाले पनि सम्झनु होला
मलाई अनि पशुपतिनाथलाई
र पशुपतिनाथले पनि बालाई |
सधैँ बेलुकी जो जानु हुन्थ्यो
भगवानको दर्शन गर्न |
एउटा भक्तको सम्झना भगवानलाई किन नआउँदो हो?
एउटा भक्तलाई भगवानको सम्झना किन नहुँदो हो?

आज,
पशुपतिनाथलाई एकटक हेरिरहँदा
मलाई, बासँग परस्पर भेट भए जस्तै भयो
न्यानो अनुभूति भयो
सायद, बाले पनि पशुपतिनाथलाई छातीमै टाँसेर
अमेरिका जानु भएको छ,
नत्र पशुपतिनाथको समीप पुग्दा
मलाई पिताको जस्तो न्यानोपना कदापि मिल्ने थिएन 
मैले मेरा बालाई अङ्कमाल गरे जस्तै |

असीम प्रेमभावमा डुबी रहँदा
पशुपतिनाथमा मैले बाको मुहार देखें
बाको मुहारमा पशुपतिनाथ देखें ।
हुन पनि,
एउटा भोला अर्को भोलासँग फरक
कसरी हुन सक्थ्यो र?
मेरा बा भोला, मेरा बा पशुपतिनाथ ||

स्मृति

स्मृति:

म सानो हुँदा जब म ढिला सम्म सुत्ने गर्थें, मेरो बुवा Bhola मलाई कहिलेकाहिँ उठाउन आउनु हुन्थ्यो | उहाँ मलाई उठाउन मेरो समीप पनि नआई अथवा भनौँ मलाई छुदै-नछोई पर बाट नै एउटा संस्कृतको श्लोक गाउनु हुन्थ्यो |

"शुद्धोसि बुद्धोसि निरँजनोऽसि
सँसारमाया परिवर्जितोऽसि
सँसारस्वप्नँ त्यज मोहनिद्राँ
मँदालसोल्लपमुवाच पुत्रम्।"

यो पुरै गाउँदा सम्म पनि म उठिन भने 'बाबु उठ' भनेर कोठाबाट निस्किनु हुन्थ्यो | नउठे पनि म बुवाले गाउनु भएको सुनेर निदाएझैँ नाटक गरी पल्टी रहन्थें |  बुवा मलाई उठाउन आइरहनु भयो, म निदाएझैँ श्लोकमा मस्त हुँदै गएँ | अनायसै, यो मेरो मानसपटलमा बस्न सफल भयो | यो श्लोकको प्रथम अनुच्छेद मलाई कण्ठस्त हुन पुग्यो |

बिस्तारै म ठूलो हुँदै गएँ | चाँडो उठ्न पनि थालेँ र नउठे पनि बुवाले मलाई उठाउन छोड्नु भयो | हुर्केको छोरोलाई उठ भन्न कति जानु? कुरा सहि पनि हो | अचेल, भान्जा-भान्जीहरु ढिला सम्म सुतिरहंदा अनि मैले उठाउन पर्दा मेरो दिमागमा पनि यहि श्लोक आउन थालेको छ | म पनि उनीहरुलाई उठाउन यहि श्लोक गाउँदो रहेछु |

गाउँदै/बजाउंदै गर्दा पो झसङ्ग भएँ कि मलाई त यसको मतलब नै थाहा छैन | यो श्लोक कहाँ कुन किताबमा छ पनि हेक्का छैन | कौतुहल हुँदै खोज्ने क्रममा थाहा भयो कि मार्कण्य पुराणमा मदलासा उपदेश छ जहाँ मदलासा भन्ने रानीले आफ्नो सन्तान रुँदा खेलौना जस्ता भौतिकवादी चिजहरुले सन्तान भुलाउनुको सट्टा यो गीत/लोहोरी गाउँदै सत्यको ज्ञान दिई फुल्याउनु हुन्थ्यो | त्यो जीवनको सत्यलाई गीतको रूपमा प्रस्तुत गरी उपदेश दिनुभएकाले त्यसलाई मदलासा उपदेश अथवा मदलासा पुत्र उपदेश भनेर पनि चिनियो |

पहिलो अनुच्छेदको मतलब यस्तो छ:

"शुद्धोसि बुद्धोसि निरँजनोऽसि
सँसारमाया परिवर्जितोऽसि
सँसारस्वप्नँ त्यज मोहनिद्राँ
मँदालसोल्लपमुवाच पुत्रम्।"

Madalasa says to her crying son:
“You are pure, Enlightened, and spotless.
Leave the illusion of the world
and wake up from this deep slumber of delusion”

यो अनुच्छेदबाट प्रष्ट हुन्छ कि मेरो बुवाले पनि मलाई, "तिमी पवित्र छौ, निश्चल, निष्पाप छौ | संसारको मायामा नपर, उठ! संसारिक माया र भ्रमलाई त्याग, यो निद्रालाई त्याग |" भन्दै उपदेश दिनु भएको रहेछ |

अस्तु|

Forgiveness!!

How long can a thing bug you even after the umpteen attempts to let it go? Mahatma Gandhi said,"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Perhaps I am not that strong enough to forgive. Forgetting and forgiving gives you the peace. And when you can't do that, you alone are left with the suffering regardless of what the actual pain giver is in whatever state. It's been 15 months since this incident happened (let the incident be a secret here) and what bugs me is not that this happened but how it still feels like a fresh wound and I can't let it go. The saddest part is that the date of this incident is imprinted on my mind. As long as this continues, I won't find a moment's peace. September 23, 2017, I need to forget you.

I have no hard feelings with the concerned person anymore. But, the incident, as a whole, brings moment of conflict within me. I need to be strong. Lot more strong and not make myself suffer anymore. 

दशैं

मेरा मनका मायाका लहरा
ला..............मो पारेर
चङ्गामा बाँधी
तिमी भए तिर उडाउनलाई
भिसा चाहिन्छ कि चाहिन्न होला?

अचेल नेपालका आकाशमा
खोई र चङ्गाहरु?
अब बल्ल बुझ्दै छु
ती त धागोमा होइन
मायाको लहरमा गाँसिदै
कुनै अरब, कुनै अमेरिका
कुनै युरोप र कुनै अष्ट्रेलिया
पो जाँदा रहेछन्  |

निला, छ्याङ्ग खुलेका आकाश
दशैँ आयो भन्छन् सबै |
तर म त देख्छु,
उराठ लाग्दो नाङ्गो रित्तो आकाश,
आमाबुवाको आशिष थाप्दै रंगीन खोज्ने
खाली, रित्तो निधार ..

दशैं त तब पो आउंथ्यो
जब शिरमा आमाबुवाको हात हुन्थ्यो
निला आकाशभन्दा पनि खुलेकी
आफ्नी प्रियसीको, साथ हुन्थ्यो
अनि पो दशैं,
दशैँ हुन्थ्यो ||    

Conquer the west, Ashish Shrestha

Dear Ashish,

immense love..

Even before starting this letter, I have this thought that you are going to find this letter incredibly boring and funny (funny not because it is humorous but because I act childish each time). I know you would not even completely read this and perhaps, that's the exact reason that I won't be sharing it to you directly. This makes me realize that I am writing this letter not for you but for myself.

I do not know how to start but let's go with how it should be. Many congratulations that you are going to the US for your Masters program and I hope you return with a PhD too. I know you will do good as you have always been that hard working guy who would push to strive for betterment with every stride. I have no doubt that you will prove to yourself that how laborious you are. Funny how I used the term 'prove to yourself' whereas anyone who do not know you would go with 'prove to others'. During this long friendship, what I have known is that you have nothing to prove to others. Your war is always with yourself. Your rival is you. Your competition is with yourself. And you have demonstrated that very thing time and again by testing yourself (or say, by engaging yourself) in every field that fascinated you. But for the sake of formality, let me wish you good luck in the States and hope that whatever challenges come forward, will be accepted and demolished.

The time has come and anxiety comes knocking. It is expected at your doorstep but why is this unwanted visitor knocking at my door? You have always been that distant but close from heart friend; be it in High school days or the two years' period of your work days in Janakpur. Your absence was always felt. You are such a go-to-guy in every step  of one's life. The earphone's broken? Call Ashish. Need a trek itinerary? Call Ashish. Confused about which food is good for fishes? Call Ashish. Need a good laugh? Call Ashish. Do info about any thing? Call Ashish. Need a shoulder to lie (cry) on? Call Ashish. Need advice/life lesson/motivation/optimism? Call Ashish. Need to play futsal? Call Ashish. I can't think of things that do not relate to you. The warmness that you provide to your friends is what makes you so close despite physical distance. I know you will just remain the same wherever you go and this distance does not matter much. But why does it scare me now that you are flying to the US. Is it because I have my closest of friends swallowed by the US and I can't just feel the warmth whenever I need their shoulders to lie upon? The technology is no good. The technology is no God.

You are more of a guardian to me. A guardian who does not judge but accepts whatever flaws I have in me. And also makes me work in my flaws. You always had one true instance and were always bold in it. You did not succumb to peer pressure but you always stood against it. You were courageous to know the path that you wanted to travel and my god, how you were unshakable is beyond my imagination. One true friend. One true hero. One true inspiration to always look to. Aah! such pure soul. You will be sorely missed man. With Roshan gone (to Australia), the meeting without him are still tasteless and now you packing your bags make it hard to imagine the future days. 

Nonetheless, I hope we meet soon in the future. I hope you return to Nepal. I hope we gather like the good old days and ring our laughter so loud that it gives the meaning to our existence. All those (whole night) talks in your and my home will be missed. The questions we asked to ourselves about existence, aim, future, dreams and many more might run around the clouds whenever I look up at the darkest of nights and remember our friendship. I can't promise that you won't be missed when the clouds break and hit me as rainfall.

It has become a random letter and I should be stopping now as 15 years of friendship can never fit into a blogpost. My best wishes are with you Ashish. Conquer the west!

Love,

Bhaskar....

रोशनलाई चिठ्ठी

प्यारो रोशन,
मुटु भरिको माया ||

पाँच वर्ष अघि मात्र मैले तिमीलाई यसरी चिठ्ठी लेख्छु भनेर भनेको भए सायद म आफैँ पत्याउँदिन थिएँ | तर आज मैले तिमीलाई चिठ्ठी नलेखी बस्न सकिन | साथीको साथी भन्दा भन्दै  आफ्नै मनमिल्ने साथी कति खेर भयौ, त्यो सोच्न जरुरी छैन किनभने तिमीलाई आफ्नो भित्री मनको कुनामा पाउनु मेरो लागि सौभाग्यको कुरा हो | तिमी, तिमी भएकोमा धन्यवाद|

आशिषसँग भेट्दा, तिमी र अंकित सधैँ साथै भेटिने भएकाले तिमीहरुसँग पनि मित्रता प्रगाढ बन्दै गयो | तिमीसँग भन्दा अझ अंकितसँग बढी भेटघाट र घुलमिल भएकाले तिमीसँग भन्दा बढी अंकितसँग लगाव थियो |  कपाल लामो पालेको, निधारमा धेरै जसो रुमाल बाँधेको अनि त्यति धेरै नबोल्ने तिमीलाई हेर्दा तिमीसँग मेरो कुरा मिल्दैन कि जस्तो लाग्थ्यो सुरुसुरुमा | फाट्टफुट्ट भेटघाटमा गहिरो मित्रता त भएको थिएन; मित्रताले गहिरो रूप त त्यति बेला लियो जब तिमी र म अन्नपुर्ण आधार शिविर गयौं | आशिष अनि अंकित दुवै नजाने भएपछी म, तिमी र तिम्रा अफिसका सहपाठीहरुसँग घुम्न जान हिच्किचाएको थिएँ | त्यतिका दिन राम्रो चिनजान नभएका मान्छे सँग कसरी जानु भनी मनमा निकै दुविधा थियो | म बरु दोस्रो चोटी आशिष श्रेष्ठ र उसका साथीहरुसँग गोसाइँकुण्ड जान तम्सिएको थिएँ | जब मैले केहि अस्पष्टता जाहेर गरी अन्नपुर्ण आधार शिविर नजाने जस्तो कुरा गरेको थिएँ, मलाई अझै याद छ, तिमीले 'Damn it Bhaskar! you are going with us' भनेको | सायद मलाई पनि आश्वाशन मिलेको थियो तिमीले त्यति भनेपछी | म तिमीसँग जान तयार भएँ |

कलंकीमा भेटे देखिन् यात्रा भरी तिमीले जसरी मलाई माया र सद्भाव देखायौ त्यो नै मेरो लागि अमुर्त साथीत्व भयो, प्रेमभाव भयो | भारतीय रास्ट्रपति मोदीले नाकाबन्दी गरेको बेला घुम्न निस्केका हामी, कलंकी देखि झण्डै पोखरा सम्म नै गाडीमा उभिएर पुगेका थियौं | सिट खाली भएपछी मलाई बस भनेर आफु उभिई राखेको, उल्लेरीको उकालोमा आफुले बोकेको ट्रेक्किंग लौरो मलाई दिई, 'तिमीलाई गाह्रो भयो जस्तो छ, म यत्तिकै हिड्न सक्छु, तिमी यो लौरो टेकेर हिंड |' भनी भनेको, घोरेपानीमा किनेको ठूलो स्याउ मैले कसैलाई नबाँढी खाएको थिएँ तर तिमीले भने एउटा स्याऊ पनि पहिला मलाई टोक्न दिई अनि मात्र आफुले खाएका थियौ | मप्रति प्रेमभाव/दया प्रदर्शन गरेको यस्ता धेरै उदाहरण छन् | यात्रा भरी मैले तिमीलाई नजिकै बाट चिन्ने मौका पाएँ, जान्ने मौका पाएँ र तिमी भित्रको निश्चलताले आफुँ छताछुल्ल हुन पाएँ | अन्नपुर्ण आधार शिविर नपुग्दै तिमीलाई मेरो मनले असल मित्रको रूपमा स्वीकारी सकेको थियो | तिमी common friend बाट  proper friend भैसकेको थियौ | अन्नपुर्ण पछी, चम्पादेवीमा क्याम्पिंग, कालिन्चोक, सुकुटेमा राफ्टिंग,नगरकोट, तिलिचो गरी अनेक ठाउँ हामी सगसंगै यात्रा गरी सक्यौं | विशेष कारणले म तिमीसँग सगरमाथा आधार शिविर जान सकिन, यसको पछुतो मलाई आजपनि छ |

यो भयो विगतका कुरा, अब लागौं वर्तमान तर्फ | सर्वप्रथम, तिमीलाई बधाई अनि शुभकामना, तिमी अस्ट्रेलियामा मास्टर्स गर्न जाने भएका छौ | तिम्रो प्रगतिको कामना गर्दै उताको बसाई सफल र मङ्गल दुवै होस् भन्ने चाहन्छु | आफ्नो देश छोडेर विदेशमा गई पढ्न र काम गर्न पक्कै सहज नहोला, तर तिमी निडर, साहसी र कर्मनिष्ठ मानिस हौ र आइपरेका बाधाहरूलाई तिमीले आफ्नो बुद्धिविवेकले पन्छाउँदै आफ्नो गन्तव्यमा पुगी छोड्छौ भन्ने कुरामा दुई मत छैन | तिमीलाई चिने देखि आजसम्म मैले तिम्रो एउटा पनि अवगुण भेटेको छैन  र यो सिलसिला कायम रहोस् | तिमी अस्ट्रेलियामा आफ्नो उद्देश्य पूरा गर्नु, सकेसम्म नेपाल फर्किनु | अब्बल भएर देशमा आफ्नो अब्बलता सदुपयोग गर्नु, स्वदेशलाई पनि सम्बृद्ध पार्ने सपना देख्नु | आफ्नी आमालाई, देशलाई नभुल्नु र म जस्ता साथीभाई लाई पनि मनमै राख्नु | यी त मेरा इच्छा, भित्री मनोकांक्षा र स्वार्थीपना बोलेका हुन् | यसो सोच्छु, तिमी बिनाको मेरा ट्रेक्किंग कति खल्ला होलान्, बुधबार फुटसल पछी भेट्ने चियापसल कति खाली लाग्ला, शनिबार र आइतबार कति निरस लाग्लान्, थिएटरमा लाग्ने फिलिमहरु कति दिक्दार लाग्लान् र अनायासै रातमा पागलजसरी गर्ने karaoke night कति lifeless लाग्लान् |  त्यसैले लाग्छ तिमी विदेशमै नहराए हुन्थ्यो | तर त्यसो भन्न कहाँ मिल्यो र? जिन्दगी तिम्रो, दुख तिम्रो, भोगाई नितान्त तिम्रो अनि तिमीलाई यसो गर र उसो गर भन्न हामीले कहाँ मिल्यो र? तिमीलाई जे सजिलो हुन्छ त्यहि गर्नु | मेरो साथ सदैव तिमीलाई छ | माया सदैव छ | बस एउटा कुरा चाहिँ तिमीले ख्याल गर्नु; तिमी सहजै कसैलाई 'नाइँ' भन्न सक्दैनौ | विदेशमा कसैले गलत फाईदा उठाउलान्, तिमी नचाहिने कुरालाई अस्विकार गरिदिनु | नाइँ भनिदिनु | सबैलाई रिझाउनु पर्छ भन्ने छैन | बस त्यति कुरा गर्यौ भने तिम्रो चिन्ता लिनुपर्दैन हामीले यहाँ | अरुकुरा तिमीले गर्छौ भन्नेमा म विश्वस्त छु |

तिमीसँगको गहिरो दोस्ती भएको लगभग ३ वर्षे यात्रामा निकै कुरा एकसाथ गरियो | सुख, दुखका सायद हरेक पाटो केलाईयो | तिम्रो मनमा मेरोलागि के स्थान छ म भन्न सक्दिन तर तिमी मेरा लागि असल मित्र मात्र नभई ( म भन्दा कान्छो भए पनि) एक असल दाजु जस्तो पनि छौ किनभने तिमीले मलाई आफ्नो भाई जस्तै माया गरेको छौ | यो कुरा भन्दा मलाई तिलिचोको एउटा घटनाको याद आउँछ | मुस्कान र म अर्कै बाटो लागेर २ घण्टा हराएर तिमीहरु भएको ठाउँमा आउंदै गर्दा, तिमीलाई भेटेको र तिमीले गाली गरेको सम्झना अझै ताजा छ | तिमीलाई देख्दा असाध्यै खुसी र डर एकसाथ लागेको थियो | जस्तो कि केहि गल्ती गरे पश्चात भाइले दाजुलाई भेटे जस्तै | खुसी किन लाग्यो भने, अब आफुँ सुरक्षित भैयो भन्ने कुरा मनमा आएको थियो | डर किन लाग्यो भने अब तिमीले हामीलाई गाली गर्छौ भन्ने ठानेर | नभन्दै त्यस्तै भयो, तिमी यात्राको क्रममा दुईवटा चस्मा हराएकाले चस्मा खोज्दै आउँदा हामीसंग जम्काभेट हुनु र सोझै हामीमाथि खनिनु मलाई निकै रमाइलो लाग्यो | आँखा भरिएर आएका थिए मेरा | "तिमीहरु जान्ने भएर नचाइने बाटो गयौ होइन? हिरो भएर जुनपायो त्यहि बाटो कसले जानु भन्यो तिमीहरुलाई" भनेर तिमीले गाली गर्दा कस्सम कस्तो खुसी लागेको थियो | अब त्यसरी यात्राको क्रममा गल्ती गर्दा, कसले गाली गर्ला रोशन मलाई? तिमी त उता अस्ट्रेलियामा हुनेछौ | खैर, समय भन्दा बलवान कोहि छैन, जसरी समयले हामीलाई साथी बनायो त्यसरी नै जिन्दगीको अनन्त यात्राभर समयले नै हामीलाई र हाम्रो मित्रतालाई बाँधी रहनेछ भन्नेमा म आशावादी छु |

तिमी, म, श्रृष्टी, अंकित अनि आशिष मिली hi5 बनेका थियौं र आशा छ यो मित्रता आजीवन कायम रहोस् | आई विल मिस यु रोशन; सो विल hi5. अझ धेरै ठाउँ सँगै घुम्ने, धेरै मुविज सँगै हेर्ने, धेरै हाँसो सँगै हाँस्ने, धेरै रुवाई सँगै रुने अनि धेरै जन्मदिन सँगै मनाउने सपना बोकी तिमीलाई अस्ट्रेलियामा सफलता मिलोस् भन्ने कामना गर्दै अहिलेलाई यो चिठ्ठी यहिं टुंगाउन चाहन्छु | र तिमी चाँडै नै अस्ट्रेलियाबाट 'ओइ ढकाल' भनेर परदेखि हाँस्दै आएको देख्न र सुन्न पाउँ | बस्! मान्छेलाई खुसी हुन धेरै केहि चाहिंदैन | नारायण गोपालले गाएको गीत जस्तै, 'एउटा साथीको साथले कति फरक पार्दछ जिउनुमा ...'


तिम्रो उही साथी,
ढकाल | 

some clips of us together, along with hi5...

 

Grown up, dignity – down

I had just changed the school and it was my first day at my new school. As a new student, my uniform was not ready for the first day. Thus, I was in casual dress. In addition to that, I also did not possess the complete set of my textbooks. I had bought some books before the school hour and it turned out that rest of them would arrive only after a week. I was utterly disappointed. At the very first day, I had no uniform, only half text books with me and frightened to the bones as I marched towards the new school for the very first time with a long face, of course.

The first day was eventful as most of the teachers asked me about my uniform and books, as I introduced myself to them. Time ticked slow and in the third period, a giant (giant in a sense that she was tall and bulky and her high heels aided to that too) lady teacher entered the class-room. She introduced herself as an English teacher and after she shared some laughs, she started the very first lesson. It was a poem by Late Indian poet Harindranath Chattopadhyay ( sorry I forgot the name of the exact poem but remember his name because it seemed funny to me at that time). She made us write the poem in our exercise-book and so we did. As soon as we copied it, the period was over and before she left, she asked us to memorize the poem by the next day. We all nodded and she left.

Fast forward to the next day; she entered and asked if we memorized it. Faint mixture of ‘yes and no’ voice was vaguely heard and disappeared in the thin air quickly. Without losing a single moment, she made us stand up one by one and asked us to recite the poem from our memory. Only some did and many could not, including myself. And she asked us to justify the cause of our failure. No wonder, one of the students came up with a cunning excuse. ‘Teacher, I am yet to buy the textbook. Even if I wanted to, I could not memorize the poem.’ That was a valid justification. She asked if there were others with the same reason. Many raised their hands , I did not. Despite not having the textbook with me, I stood up not letting myself pardoned. Many got seated with big sigh of relief in their faces but I did not. We all had copied the poem the previous day in our exercise book. And if we wanted, we could have memorized the poem via that. My friends deceived the teacher. I did not want to do that. I cursed myself for not memorizing the poem. And I thought I deserved the punishment.

I was further asked, by the teacher, the reason of my failure to memorize the poem. I kept quiet. I did not want to demonstrate my honesty (about poem noted down on copies by everyone) as most of my friends got away from being punished with that cunning excuse. Had I told the teacher, they could have been ridiculed. I deserved the punishment and it was no point dragging my friends along with me. It was my idea to punish myself for what I did not do that I was asked of, when it could have been done easily. I was honest to myself. I was right to let me be punished. I was shameful for my failure but proud to what I did subsequently.

Sadly as I write this today, I am no more the same kid. The paragons of virtue, I possessed then, have come downhill. As I swim in my memory lane and meet myself from the past, I hardly can look straight at those honest eyes. Today, I am full of excuses, dishonesty and I lack dignity. At times, when I meet that kid in my memory lane, I get to learn a lot from him. From being that kid to now, I have come a long way, read hundreds of books, experienced a lot and still I remain a grown up with my dignity so down. I have not become better but gotten much worse.

This makes me think of William Wordsworth’s poem ‘The Rainbow’ also known as ‘My Heart Leaps Up’ where he states in the seventh line, ‘The child is the father of the man.’ It has been famously interpreted as ‘the conduct of a child indicates what he will become when he grows up’. But I wonder, if it matches with me? How about the other interpretation that I like and resembles to my situation? “The child could be a source of learning for adults; as far as his innocence, curiosity and honesty are concerned. As we grow up we would have lost them all, and it is time we re-learn them from the child?” This seems fair.

Pic. credit: http://enhanceyourchild.com