स्मृति २

बाल्यकालको तस्वीर,
मेरो बा, उहाँको कलिलो छोरो
अनि पछाडी साइकलमा सवार कान्छो दाहाल,
त्यो पहेंलो तोरीबारीमा कति खुलेका ।

त्यो भन्दा नि खुलेको छ,
मेरा बाको सेता दन्त लहरा
सायद, ती फुलेका झुलेका पहेँला तोरी भन्दा पनि राम्रो लाग्यो बालाई
त्यो पहेंलो सर्ट लगाउने सानो मनुवा

फेरी लाग्छ,
मेरा बाको नजरमा
ती फुलेका फगत पहेँला फूल होइनन्
ती त उनकै पुत्र हो ।
मेरा बाले रोपेर फक्रेका पुत्र ।

मेरा बा,
सन्तान बीच घेरिएर दङ्ग छन्
आफैंले गोडमेल गरी फक्रेका सन्तान ।

आज यो तस्वीर नियाल्दा,
एउटा पुत्रको नजरबाट,
म ती तोरीका फूलमा
बुवाका हाँसो अनि खुसी देख्छु
मेरा बाले,
आफ्नो खुसी, उदाङ्गो आकाश ले
छोप्न नसक्ने गरी छर्दिनु भएछ ।

त्यसैले,
म आजपनि
हरेक तोरीबारीमा मेरा बाको
खुसी फक्री रहेको पाउँछु
र म प्रफुल्लित हुन्छु
त्यो तस्वीरको पहेंलो सर्ट लगाउने
सानो मनुवा जस्तै ।

स्मृति

स्मृति:

म सानो हुँदा जब म ढिला सम्म सुत्ने गर्थें, मेरो बुवा Bhola मलाई कहिलेकाहिँ उठाउन आउनु हुन्थ्यो | उहाँ मलाई उठाउन मेरो समीप पनि नआई अथवा भनौँ मलाई छुदै-नछोई पर बाट नै एउटा संस्कृतको श्लोक गाउनु हुन्थ्यो |

"शुद्धोसि बुद्धोसि निरँजनोऽसि
सँसारमाया परिवर्जितोऽसि
सँसारस्वप्नँ त्यज मोहनिद्राँ
मँदालसोल्लपमुवाच पुत्रम्।"

यो पुरै गाउँदा सम्म पनि म उठिन भने 'बाबु उठ' भनेर कोठाबाट निस्किनु हुन्थ्यो | नउठे पनि म बुवाले गाउनु भएको सुनेर निदाएझैँ नाटक गरी पल्टी रहन्थें |  बुवा मलाई उठाउन आइरहनु भयो, म निदाएझैँ श्लोकमा मस्त हुँदै गएँ | अनायसै, यो मेरो मानसपटलमा बस्न सफल भयो | यो श्लोकको प्रथम अनुच्छेद मलाई कण्ठस्त हुन पुग्यो |

बिस्तारै म ठूलो हुँदै गएँ | चाँडो उठ्न पनि थालेँ र नउठे पनि बुवाले मलाई उठाउन छोड्नु भयो | हुर्केको छोरोलाई उठ भन्न कति जानु? कुरा सहि पनि हो | अचेल, भान्जा-भान्जीहरु ढिला सम्म सुतिरहंदा अनि मैले उठाउन पर्दा मेरो दिमागमा पनि यहि श्लोक आउन थालेको छ | म पनि उनीहरुलाई उठाउन यहि श्लोक गाउँदो रहेछु |

गाउँदै/बजाउंदै गर्दा पो झसङ्ग भएँ कि मलाई त यसको मतलब नै थाहा छैन | यो श्लोक कहाँ कुन किताबमा छ पनि हेक्का छैन | कौतुहल हुँदै खोज्ने क्रममा थाहा भयो कि मार्कण्य पुराणमा मदलासा उपदेश छ जहाँ मदलासा भन्ने रानीले आफ्नो सन्तान रुँदा खेलौना जस्ता भौतिकवादी चिजहरुले सन्तान भुलाउनुको सट्टा यो गीत/लोहोरी गाउँदै सत्यको ज्ञान दिई फुल्याउनु हुन्थ्यो | त्यो जीवनको सत्यलाई गीतको रूपमा प्रस्तुत गरी उपदेश दिनुभएकाले त्यसलाई मदलासा उपदेश अथवा मदलासा पुत्र उपदेश भनेर पनि चिनियो |

पहिलो अनुच्छेदको मतलब यस्तो छ:

"शुद्धोसि बुद्धोसि निरँजनोऽसि
सँसारमाया परिवर्जितोऽसि
सँसारस्वप्नँ त्यज मोहनिद्राँ
मँदालसोल्लपमुवाच पुत्रम्।"

Madalasa says to her crying son:
“You are pure, Enlightened, and spotless.
Leave the illusion of the world
and wake up from this deep slumber of delusion”

यो अनुच्छेदबाट प्रष्ट हुन्छ कि मेरो बुवाले पनि मलाई, "तिमी पवित्र छौ, निश्चल, निष्पाप छौ | संसारको मायामा नपर, उठ! संसारिक माया र भ्रमलाई त्याग, यो निद्रालाई त्याग |" भन्दै उपदेश दिनु भएको रहेछ |

अस्तु|

रोशनलाई चिठ्ठी

प्यारो रोशन,
मुटु भरिको माया ||

पाँच वर्ष अघि मात्र मैले तिमीलाई यसरी चिठ्ठी लेख्छु भनेर भनेको भए सायद म आफैँ पत्याउँदिन थिएँ | तर आज मैले तिमीलाई चिठ्ठी नलेखी बस्न सकिन | साथीको साथी भन्दा भन्दै  आफ्नै मनमिल्ने साथी कति खेर भयौ, त्यो सोच्न जरुरी छैन किनभने तिमीलाई आफ्नो भित्री मनको कुनामा पाउनु मेरो लागि सौभाग्यको कुरा हो | तिमी, तिमी भएकोमा धन्यवाद|

आशिषसँग भेट्दा, तिमी र अंकित सधैँ साथै भेटिने भएकाले तिमीहरुसँग पनि मित्रता प्रगाढ बन्दै गयो | तिमीसँग भन्दा अझ अंकितसँग बढी भेटघाट र घुलमिल भएकाले तिमीसँग भन्दा बढी अंकितसँग लगाव थियो |  कपाल लामो पालेको, निधारमा धेरै जसो रुमाल बाँधेको अनि त्यति धेरै नबोल्ने तिमीलाई हेर्दा तिमीसँग मेरो कुरा मिल्दैन कि जस्तो लाग्थ्यो सुरुसुरुमा | फाट्टफुट्ट भेटघाटमा गहिरो मित्रता त भएको थिएन; मित्रताले गहिरो रूप त त्यति बेला लियो जब तिमी र म अन्नपुर्ण आधार शिविर गयौं | आशिष अनि अंकित दुवै नजाने भएपछी म, तिमी र तिम्रा अफिसका सहपाठीहरुसँग घुम्न जान हिच्किचाएको थिएँ | त्यतिका दिन राम्रो चिनजान नभएका मान्छे सँग कसरी जानु भनी मनमा निकै दुविधा थियो | म बरु दोस्रो चोटी आशिष श्रेष्ठ र उसका साथीहरुसँग गोसाइँकुण्ड जान तम्सिएको थिएँ | जब मैले केहि अस्पष्टता जाहेर गरी अन्नपुर्ण आधार शिविर नजाने जस्तो कुरा गरेको थिएँ, मलाई अझै याद छ, तिमीले 'Damn it Bhaskar! you are going with us' भनेको | सायद मलाई पनि आश्वाशन मिलेको थियो तिमीले त्यति भनेपछी | म तिमीसँग जान तयार भएँ |

कलंकीमा भेटे देखिन् यात्रा भरी तिमीले जसरी मलाई माया र सद्भाव देखायौ त्यो नै मेरो लागि अमुर्त साथीत्व भयो, प्रेमभाव भयो | भारतीय रास्ट्रपति मोदीले नाकाबन्दी गरेको बेला घुम्न निस्केका हामी, कलंकी देखि झण्डै पोखरा सम्म नै गाडीमा उभिएर पुगेका थियौं | सिट खाली भएपछी मलाई बस भनेर आफु उभिई राखेको, उल्लेरीको उकालोमा आफुले बोकेको ट्रेक्किंग लौरो मलाई दिई, 'तिमीलाई गाह्रो भयो जस्तो छ, म यत्तिकै हिड्न सक्छु, तिमी यो लौरो टेकेर हिंड |' भनी भनेको, घोरेपानीमा किनेको ठूलो स्याउ मैले कसैलाई नबाँढी खाएको थिएँ तर तिमीले भने एउटा स्याऊ पनि पहिला मलाई टोक्न दिई अनि मात्र आफुले खाएका थियौ | मप्रति प्रेमभाव/दया प्रदर्शन गरेको यस्ता धेरै उदाहरण छन् | यात्रा भरी मैले तिमीलाई नजिकै बाट चिन्ने मौका पाएँ, जान्ने मौका पाएँ र तिमी भित्रको निश्चलताले आफुँ छताछुल्ल हुन पाएँ | अन्नपुर्ण आधार शिविर नपुग्दै तिमीलाई मेरो मनले असल मित्रको रूपमा स्वीकारी सकेको थियो | तिमी common friend बाट  proper friend भैसकेको थियौ | अन्नपुर्ण पछी, चम्पादेवीमा क्याम्पिंग, कालिन्चोक, सुकुटेमा राफ्टिंग,नगरकोट, तिलिचो गरी अनेक ठाउँ हामी सगसंगै यात्रा गरी सक्यौं | विशेष कारणले म तिमीसँग सगरमाथा आधार शिविर जान सकिन, यसको पछुतो मलाई आजपनि छ |

यो भयो विगतका कुरा, अब लागौं वर्तमान तर्फ | सर्वप्रथम, तिमीलाई बधाई अनि शुभकामना, तिमी अस्ट्रेलियामा मास्टर्स गर्न जाने भएका छौ | तिम्रो प्रगतिको कामना गर्दै उताको बसाई सफल र मङ्गल दुवै होस् भन्ने चाहन्छु | आफ्नो देश छोडेर विदेशमा गई पढ्न र काम गर्न पक्कै सहज नहोला, तर तिमी निडर, साहसी र कर्मनिष्ठ मानिस हौ र आइपरेका बाधाहरूलाई तिमीले आफ्नो बुद्धिविवेकले पन्छाउँदै आफ्नो गन्तव्यमा पुगी छोड्छौ भन्ने कुरामा दुई मत छैन | तिमीलाई चिने देखि आजसम्म मैले तिम्रो एउटा पनि अवगुण भेटेको छैन  र यो सिलसिला कायम रहोस् | तिमी अस्ट्रेलियामा आफ्नो उद्देश्य पूरा गर्नु, सकेसम्म नेपाल फर्किनु | अब्बल भएर देशमा आफ्नो अब्बलता सदुपयोग गर्नु, स्वदेशलाई पनि सम्बृद्ध पार्ने सपना देख्नु | आफ्नी आमालाई, देशलाई नभुल्नु र म जस्ता साथीभाई लाई पनि मनमै राख्नु | यी त मेरा इच्छा, भित्री मनोकांक्षा र स्वार्थीपना बोलेका हुन् | यसो सोच्छु, तिमी बिनाको मेरा ट्रेक्किंग कति खल्ला होलान्, बुधबार फुटसल पछी भेट्ने चियापसल कति खाली लाग्ला, शनिबार र आइतबार कति निरस लाग्लान्, थिएटरमा लाग्ने फिलिमहरु कति दिक्दार लाग्लान् र अनायासै रातमा पागलजसरी गर्ने karaoke night कति lifeless लाग्लान् |  त्यसैले लाग्छ तिमी विदेशमै नहराए हुन्थ्यो | तर त्यसो भन्न कहाँ मिल्यो र? जिन्दगी तिम्रो, दुख तिम्रो, भोगाई नितान्त तिम्रो अनि तिमीलाई यसो गर र उसो गर भन्न हामीले कहाँ मिल्यो र? तिमीलाई जे सजिलो हुन्छ त्यहि गर्नु | मेरो साथ सदैव तिमीलाई छ | माया सदैव छ | बस एउटा कुरा चाहिँ तिमीले ख्याल गर्नु; तिमी सहजै कसैलाई 'नाइँ' भन्न सक्दैनौ | विदेशमा कसैले गलत फाईदा उठाउलान्, तिमी नचाहिने कुरालाई अस्विकार गरिदिनु | नाइँ भनिदिनु | सबैलाई रिझाउनु पर्छ भन्ने छैन | बस त्यति कुरा गर्यौ भने तिम्रो चिन्ता लिनुपर्दैन हामीले यहाँ | अरुकुरा तिमीले गर्छौ भन्नेमा म विश्वस्त छु |

तिमीसँगको गहिरो दोस्ती भएको लगभग ३ वर्षे यात्रामा निकै कुरा एकसाथ गरियो | सुख, दुखका सायद हरेक पाटो केलाईयो | तिम्रो मनमा मेरोलागि के स्थान छ म भन्न सक्दिन तर तिमी मेरा लागि असल मित्र मात्र नभई ( म भन्दा कान्छो भए पनि) एक असल दाजु जस्तो पनि छौ किनभने तिमीले मलाई आफ्नो भाई जस्तै माया गरेको छौ | यो कुरा भन्दा मलाई तिलिचोको एउटा घटनाको याद आउँछ | मुस्कान र म अर्कै बाटो लागेर २ घण्टा हराएर तिमीहरु भएको ठाउँमा आउंदै गर्दा, तिमीलाई भेटेको र तिमीले गाली गरेको सम्झना अझै ताजा छ | तिमीलाई देख्दा असाध्यै खुसी र डर एकसाथ लागेको थियो | जस्तो कि केहि गल्ती गरे पश्चात भाइले दाजुलाई भेटे जस्तै | खुसी किन लाग्यो भने, अब आफुँ सुरक्षित भैयो भन्ने कुरा मनमा आएको थियो | डर किन लाग्यो भने अब तिमीले हामीलाई गाली गर्छौ भन्ने ठानेर | नभन्दै त्यस्तै भयो, तिमी यात्राको क्रममा दुईवटा चस्मा हराएकाले चस्मा खोज्दै आउँदा हामीसंग जम्काभेट हुनु र सोझै हामीमाथि खनिनु मलाई निकै रमाइलो लाग्यो | आँखा भरिएर आएका थिए मेरा | "तिमीहरु जान्ने भएर नचाइने बाटो गयौ होइन? हिरो भएर जुनपायो त्यहि बाटो कसले जानु भन्यो तिमीहरुलाई" भनेर तिमीले गाली गर्दा कस्सम कस्तो खुसी लागेको थियो | अब त्यसरी यात्राको क्रममा गल्ती गर्दा, कसले गाली गर्ला रोशन मलाई? तिमी त उता अस्ट्रेलियामा हुनेछौ | खैर, समय भन्दा बलवान कोहि छैन, जसरी समयले हामीलाई साथी बनायो त्यसरी नै जिन्दगीको अनन्त यात्राभर समयले नै हामीलाई र हाम्रो मित्रतालाई बाँधी रहनेछ भन्नेमा म आशावादी छु |

तिमी, म, श्रृष्टी, अंकित अनि आशिष मिली hi5 बनेका थियौं र आशा छ यो मित्रता आजीवन कायम रहोस् | आई विल मिस यु रोशन; सो विल hi5. अझ धेरै ठाउँ सँगै घुम्ने, धेरै मुविज सँगै हेर्ने, धेरै हाँसो सँगै हाँस्ने, धेरै रुवाई सँगै रुने अनि धेरै जन्मदिन सँगै मनाउने सपना बोकी तिमीलाई अस्ट्रेलियामा सफलता मिलोस् भन्ने कामना गर्दै अहिलेलाई यो चिठ्ठी यहिं टुंगाउन चाहन्छु | र तिमी चाँडै नै अस्ट्रेलियाबाट 'ओइ ढकाल' भनेर परदेखि हाँस्दै आएको देख्न र सुन्न पाउँ | बस्! मान्छेलाई खुसी हुन धेरै केहि चाहिंदैन | नारायण गोपालले गाएको गीत जस्तै, 'एउटा साथीको साथले कति फरक पार्दछ जिउनुमा ...'


तिम्रो उही साथी,
ढकाल | 

some clips of us together, along with hi5...

 

Grown up, dignity – down

I had just changed the school and it was my first day at my new school. As a new student, my uniform was not ready for the first day. Thus, I was in casual dress. In addition to that, I also did not possess the complete set of my textbooks. I had bought some books before the school hour and it turned out that rest of them would arrive only after a week. I was utterly disappointed. At the very first day, I had no uniform, only half text books with me and frightened to the bones as I marched towards the new school for the very first time with a long face, of course.

The first day was eventful as most of the teachers asked me about my uniform and books, as I introduced myself to them. Time ticked slow and in the third period, a giant (giant in a sense that she was tall and bulky and her high heels aided to that too) lady teacher entered the class-room. She introduced herself as an English teacher and after she shared some laughs, she started the very first lesson. It was a poem by Late Indian poet Harindranath Chattopadhyay ( sorry I forgot the name of the exact poem but remember his name because it seemed funny to me at that time). She made us write the poem in our exercise-book and so we did. As soon as we copied it, the period was over and before she left, she asked us to memorize the poem by the next day. We all nodded and she left.

Fast forward to the next day; she entered and asked if we memorized it. Faint mixture of ‘yes and no’ voice was vaguely heard and disappeared in the thin air quickly. Without losing a single moment, she made us stand up one by one and asked us to recite the poem from our memory. Only some did and many could not, including myself. And she asked us to justify the cause of our failure. No wonder, one of the students came up with a cunning excuse. ‘Teacher, I am yet to buy the textbook. Even if I wanted to, I could not memorize the poem.’ That was a valid justification. She asked if there were others with the same reason. Many raised their hands , I did not. Despite not having the textbook with me, I stood up not letting myself pardoned. Many got seated with big sigh of relief in their faces but I did not. We all had copied the poem the previous day in our exercise book. And if we wanted, we could have memorized the poem via that. My friends deceived the teacher. I did not want to do that. I cursed myself for not memorizing the poem. And I thought I deserved the punishment.

I was further asked, by the teacher, the reason of my failure to memorize the poem. I kept quiet. I did not want to demonstrate my honesty (about poem noted down on copies by everyone) as most of my friends got away from being punished with that cunning excuse. Had I told the teacher, they could have been ridiculed. I deserved the punishment and it was no point dragging my friends along with me. It was my idea to punish myself for what I did not do that I was asked of, when it could have been done easily. I was honest to myself. I was right to let me be punished. I was shameful for my failure but proud to what I did subsequently.

Sadly as I write this today, I am no more the same kid. The paragons of virtue, I possessed then, have come downhill. As I swim in my memory lane and meet myself from the past, I hardly can look straight at those honest eyes. Today, I am full of excuses, dishonesty and I lack dignity. At times, when I meet that kid in my memory lane, I get to learn a lot from him. From being that kid to now, I have come a long way, read hundreds of books, experienced a lot and still I remain a grown up with my dignity so down. I have not become better but gotten much worse.

This makes me think of William Wordsworth’s poem ‘The Rainbow’ also known as ‘My Heart Leaps Up’ where he states in the seventh line, ‘The child is the father of the man.’ It has been famously interpreted as ‘the conduct of a child indicates what he will become when he grows up’. But I wonder, if it matches with me? How about the other interpretation that I like and resembles to my situation? “The child could be a source of learning for adults; as far as his innocence, curiosity and honesty are concerned. As we grow up we would have lost them all, and it is time we re-learn them from the child?” This seems fair.

Pic. credit: http://enhanceyourchild.com

2 AM Musing

"I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Oh why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you 'till the end."

It's midnight and I really craved to listen to this song 'Love you till the end' by Pogues. I did. And, instead of mollifying my craving, there was a ripple effect. Of course, what was I thinking? There's always a ripple effect, isn't it? Especially when you are not sleeping while the world is busy dreaming. So what's the ripple effect? Holy Moly! The ripples went afar to trigger the sweet memories of Holly and Gerry. Yes, I wanted to watch P.S. I love you, all of a sudden. I was half way through when the time steadily went on to greet the 2 AM mark, but the craving is too obdurate to settle for anything. There was another craving to write in my blog. So, this is it. I am writing stuffs. Now, the craving has changed its hand. Back to movie again. See ya later.

You might be wondering when I'll come write next. Yes, I am back now. Holly is reading the letter which Gerry left for her in his parents' home. Standing right at the Gerry's Fort, Holly reads the letter where Gerry describes the time they first met. 'I am lost', she says to Gerry, while in a state of quandary, after not knowing where she has reached. On the other hand, Gerry looks at her, gets stunned by her beauty and thinks to himself that she is not. This scene is one of my best movie scenes of all time. The chemistry between these two actors in this particular scene is so alluring that I must have watched this particular scene over a thousand times. Seriously. Hey! I am re-watching the scene. Excuse me for sometime though. Till then, why don't you play the Galway Girl?

I don't know if you played that song or not, but I finished watching the whole damn movie. Aah! this feels nice. Finally, the craving seems to be subsided. Sometimes, things go down the crazy lane and we go with the flow. Guess what? Happiness seems to come along that way though. Unplanned. Even I would not have predicted in my wildest dreams, let alone planned, to watch this movie at the quietest hour of the night. I might be the only person to watch movies like this alone. To crave for random things; ALONE. Well let me quote Holly's mother from the movie, "Thing to remember is if we are all alone then we are all together in it too." I watched the movie alone. You are reading this musing alone. And, at the end, we came together in our alone-ness. Thank you for the time at these odd hours. I crave for sleep now.

P.S. Guess what?

भान्जा-भान्जीलाई चिठ्ठी

प्रिय भान्जा-भान्जी,
माया ||

सधैँ कसै न कसैलाई चिठ्ठी लेखी रहने मामाले आज किन हामीलाई चिठ्ठी लेख्यो भनेर आश्चर्य लाग्यो होला र अलि अलि दिक्क पनि | अरुलाई लेखेको चिठ्ठी त नपढे पनि हुने थियो, तर आफैंलाई सम्बोधन गरेको चिठ्ठी कसरी नपढ्नु ? दोधारमा पर्यौ हगी? फेरी चिठ्ठी नि लामो, 'लास्ट बोरिंग हुन्छ' भनेर पहिले नै परिकल्पना पनि गरिसक्यौ होला | यो पढ्नु भन्दा अघिनै कत्रो छ चिठ्ठी भनेर हेरी पनि सक्यौ होला, है? सके सम्म म छोटो पार्छु है?

यो लेख्नको लागि मात्र लेखिएको पत्र होइन | केही कुरा अप्रत्यक्ष भन्न पनि यो चिठ्ठीको सहारा लिएको हूँ | किनभने वास्तविक जीवनमा मेरो छवि एक 'हाउडे' मामाको रुपमा तिमीहरुको मानसपटलमा बसेको छ | सोझै तिमीहरुलाई यी कुरा भन्दा तिमीहरुले हावामा उडाइदिने सम्भावना बढी भएकाले, यसो गर्न बाध्य पनि छु | 'बुढा बौलाए कि क्या हो' भनेर चाहीं नसोच्नु | तिमीहरु ५ जना सबैलाई अहिले यो चिठ्ठीले समेट्न नसक्ला तर जीवनको कुनै न कुनै मोडमा अवश्य समेट्छ | त्यसैले आफुँलाई मिल्ने सन्दर्भ आएमा, मेरो लागि हो भनेर मन-मनै 'मम' भन्नु | तात्तातै ग्वाम-ग्वाम खाने पिठोले छोप्या बडा-बडा डल्ला 'मम' होइन नि | तिमीहरु ५ मध्ये अनुभव र अदिति अब बुझ्ने भईसक्यौ, आश्ना र अविनभ बुझ्ने हुँदै छौ र कान्छो, आयाम, तिमी त काले कृष्णझैं छौ | यो चिठ्ठी अरुलाई कम, अनुभव र अदितिलाई बढी हो; उनीहरुको उमेरको हिसाबले | जब आशु, अवि अनि आयाम ठूला हुन्छौ तब यो चिठ्ठी तिमीहरुलाई पनि मिल्छ | अब म खुलेर कुरा गर्छु है?

अनु र अदु, यसो सोच्यो, तिमीहरु भन्दा बच्चा त म नै छु | अझै पनि तिमीहरु भन्दा अपरिपक्क काम गर्छु | बोलाई, हिंडाई र काम गराई अझै बच्चा जस्तै छ | तर म बच्चा भई नै रहँदा, तिमीहरु भने धेरै ठूला भई सकेछौ | तिमीहरु र म बीच एक पुस्ताको फरक छ भनेर पनि लाग्दैन मलाई | म त तिमीहरुको साथी भनेर आफुलाई सोच्छु, तिमीहरुले नि त्यस्तै सोचेमा म गदगद हुने थिएँ | किनभने, जब दुई पुस्ता बीच मित्रता हुन्छ तब 'generation gap' लुसुक्क घरको झ्यालबाट हाम फालेर आत्महत्या गर्छ | तिमीहरु अब स्कूल सकेर हाई-स्कूल जाँदैछौ | यस वर्ष देखि तथाकथित फलामे ढोका भत्किएको छ तर मलाई बिश्वास छ फलामे ढोका होस् या अरु कुनै, तिमीहरुले कुनै पनि ढोकाको ताल्चा सजिलै फोर्न सक्छौ | अब आउने ढोकाहरुको नाम नहुन सक्छ तर ती सबै भन्दा बढी महत्वपूर्ण ढोका हुन् | फलामे पछी चांदी, सुनको, हिराको भन्ने ढोकाहरु त हुन्नन् तर क्रमश त्यसरी नै महत्वपूर्ण वा भनौं बहुमुल्य हन्छन् | अब जीवनको डोरी तिमीहरुकै हातमा छ | कता लग्ने, कसरी लाने, त्यो सबै तिमीहरुले निर्धारण गर्नु पर्छ |

हाइस्कूल कता पढ्ने भन्दा पनि के पढ्ने भनेर तिमीहरुले सोच्नु | आफुँ के मा अब्बल छु र के गर्न सक्छु वा सक्दिन भन्ने कुरा तिमीहरुलाई थाहा हुन्छ | त्यसै अनुरुप गर्नु | कहाँ पढ्ने भन्ने चिन्ता तिमीहरुले गर्नु पर्दैन, तिमिहरुलाई भन्दा बढी चिन्ता तिमीहरुको आमाबुवालाई हुन्छ | शिक्षित अभिभावक हुनुहुन्छ, वहाँहरुले आफुले सक्दो राम्रो ठाउँमा पढाउनुहुन्छ | मेरा साथीहरु यो पढ्छन् रे, यहाँ पढ्छन् रे भनेर त्यहीं जान्छु अनि त्यहि पढ्छु भनेर जिद्दी नगर्नु | आफुँ केमा राम्रो छु, मेरो सपना के हो भनेर बुझ्नु अनि त्यहि अनुरुप आफ्नो निर्णय सुनाउनु | मेरा दिदी-भिनाजुहरुले तिमीहरुको निर्णयलाई अवश्य कदर गर्नुहुनेछ | डाक्टर, इन्जिनियरमात्र बन्नु पर्छ, अरु विषय केहि होइनन् भन्ने सोच आफुले नि नल्याउनु र आफ्ना बुवा-आमाको त्यस्तो सोच छ भने पनि राम्रोसँग आफ्नो कुरा व्यक्त गर्नु | आफ्नो डाक्टर/इन्जिनियर बन्ने नै सपना छ भने आफ्नो अब्बल्ताको नमुना अहिले देखि नै देखाउनु |

Teen ageको चरम बिन्दुमा छौ तिमीहरु | कलिला माटो हौ तिमीहरु | जता लग्यो त्यस्तै हुने, जस्तो बनायो त्यस्तै हुने | बिग्रिने (वा सप्रने) उमेर पनि यहि हो | साथीहरुको लहै-लहैमा लागेर जथाभावी खाने, जथाभावी गर्ने लहडबाट बच्नु | तिमीहरुले 'नाइँ' भन्न सिक्नु | 'Learn to say no'. आफुँलाई मन नपर्ने वा ठिक नलागेको कुरामा अरुले कर गरे भने 'no' भन्न सिक्नु | दुनियामा धेरै दुख आफुले 'no' भन्न नसक्दा पाईन्छ | डर नमान्नु, दुर्व्यवहार कसैले गरे भने प्रतिकार गर्नु | आफुले सकिएन भने घरमा आएर भन्नु | मित्रताको कदर गर्नुपर्छ तर कस्तो कुरामा साथ दिंदैछु भनेर मनन गर्नु | यसै उमेरमा प्रेमको छर्राले हान्छ पनि | प्रेम गर्नु, प्रेममा पर्नु नराम्रो कुरा होइन | तर आफ्नो गन्तब्य कदापि नबिर्सिनु | प्रेमले तिम्रो पढाईमा, व्यबहारमा र जिन्दगीमा प्रतिकुल असर पार्छ भने बेलैमा टाढिनु | अंग्रेजीमा एउटा भनाई छ, 'If it's meant to be, it will be.' हुनु छ भने पछी फेरी हुन्छ | माया-प्रेम सकारात्मक कुरा हो तर समय गलत पर्यो भने नकारात्मक असर पार्छ | त्यसैले मेरो लक्ष्य के हो, र म कहाँ पुग्नु छ भन्ने कुरा कहिले पनि नबिर्सिनु |

यसबाहेक यो उमेरमा तिमीले धेरै शारीरिक अनि मानसिक परिवर्तनहरु आत्मसाथ गर्छौ | कतै असहज परिस्थिति आउँदा निर्धक्क र निर्लज्ज भएर आफ्नो अभिभावकसँग कुरा खोल्नु | हामी सबै तिम्रो उमेरबाट गुज्रेर आएका हौँ | हामीलाई सबै थाहा छ के कस्तो परिस्थति सँग जुध्नु पर्छ भनेर | त्यसैले 'share' गर्न अफ्ठ्यारो नमान्नु | आएका परिवर्तनहरु संगै आफुँ ठूलो भएको महसुस पनि गर्छौ तिमीहरु | अनि त्यहाँ बाट भ्रम सिर्जना हुन्छ कि 'म जस्तो जान्ने बुझ्ने कोहि छैन | म सहि अरु गलत | मैले जस्तो संसार अरुले बुझ्या छैनन्, मेरा बुवाआमा पुराना सोचका छन्, मेरो कुरै बुझ्दैनन् |' यस्ता यावत कुरा आफ्नो दिमागमा आउछन् र आफुँ जस्तो बुद्धिमान  कोहि छैन अरु सबै उल्लु भन्ने सोच आउँछ | यी सबै साधारण कुराहरु हुन् यो उमेरमा | तिमी यस्ता भ्रमबाट बच्नु | रिष-राग गर्ने, एक्लै एउटा कुनामा बस्ने, मोबाइलहरु (समाजिक संजाल)मा धेरै समय बिताउने नगर्नु | आफुँ कसरी राम्रो हुन्छु त्यो सोच्नु | फुर्सदमा, कोर्स बाहिरको किताब पनि पढ्ने बानी गर्नु, टिभी मात्र हेर्नु भन्दा बरु घुम्ने बानी गर्नु | Internet मा ज्ञानमूलक कुराहरु खोज्ने गर्नु | 'Explore' गर्नु |

अहिलेको जमाना प्रतिस्पर्धी छ; पढाईमा मात्र अब्बल नभएर अरु कुराहरु पनि आफुलाई जाँच्नु | असफलतासँग नडराउनु | आज असफल भयौ भने भोलि सफल हुन सकिन्छ | जीवनले बेसरी पछार्छ बेला-बेलामा | हरेश नखानु | बरु पछारिनु, तर हरेक चोटि पछारिंदा पाठ सिक्नु | कहाँ के गल्ती भएछ ठम्याउनु | लड्नु, निर्धक्क लड्नु, तर उठ्न सिक्नु | जो मान्छे असफलतासँग डराउँदैन, ऊ सधैँ सफल हुन्छ | समाजसँग नडराउनु | कसले के भन्छ भनेर डर मान्नु बेकार छ | संसार स्वार्थी छ; आफ्नो (स्वार्थ) हिसाबले दुनियालाई वर्णन गरिदिन्छ  | कसैसंग आफुलाई तुलना नगर्नु | तिमी आफु राम्रो काम गर, निरन्तर आफुलाई राम्रो बनाऊ; अरु कसैलाई हेर्न पर्दैन | सबै फूल कमल वा गुलाफ हुन पर्छ भन्ने छैन | तिमी जाई, जुही, गोदावरी, सूर्यमुखी जे भए पनि हुन्छ | अलग हुन नडराउ | कसैले तिमीलाई अरुसंग तुलना गर्यो र गिराउन खोज्यो भने भनिदेउ कि तिमी अलग छौ | अलग भएर बास्ना छरिदेऊ, त्यहि आलोचना गर्ने संसार तिम्रो वाह-वाहि गर्न बाध्य हुन्छ | तिम्रा सुख, तिम्रा दुख, तिम्रा प्रयास, तिम्रा सफलता, तिम्रा असफलता नितान्त तिम्रा हुन् |  यिनले तिमीलाई बलियो बनाउँछन् , त्यसैले तिम्रा भोगाई अतुलनिय छ | यी तिम्रा जीवनमा पाटा हुन् | तिम्रो जीवन अरुको भन्दा कम कदापि छैन |

अदिति, कसैले तिमीलाई तिमी छोरी भनेर हेप्छन्, केटी मान्छेले केहि गर्न सक्दैनन् भनेर उडाउँछन् भने, दबाउन खोजे भने तिमी निराश नहुनु, पछी नहट्नु बरु तिनीहरुलाई आफ्नो प्रतिभा देखाईदिनु | कसैले पनि तिमीहरुलाई हेप्ने अधिकार छैन | कसैले हेप्न आउँछन् भने त्यो अधिकार तिमीहरुले तिनीहरुलाई नदिनु | म यहाँ 'pursuit of happyness' भन्ने मुभीको डायलग quote गर्छु है त: '“Don’t ever let somebody tell you that you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can’t do something themselves, they are gonna tell you that you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.”

छोटो पार्छु भन्दा भन्दै लामै भएछ चिठ्ठी, त्यसको लागि माफी माग्छु | दरो लेक्चर दियो बुढाले भन्ने भयो होला तिमीहरुलाई तर मेरा जीवनका भोगाई, गराई अनि रोजाई बाट मैले जे सिकेँ त्यो मैले यहाँ व्यक्त गरें | मैले गरेका गल्ती, मेरै यो उपदेश पढेर, तिमीहरुले दोहोराएनौ भने म जस्तो खुसी सायदै कोहि होलान् | निडर भई आफ्नो सपनाको बाटो हिड्नु | पछाडि फर्केर हेर्यौ भने सदा मलाई सहाराको रूपमा पाउनेछौ तिमीहरुले | अहिलेलाई यत्ति ||

उही तिमीहरुको भलो चिताउने,
अनु मामा ||

Changing society, generation gap and expectations

Not long ago, one of my good friends reviled the generation gap. He lambasted on how his parents never comprehended his situations. Thus, every talk ended up in contentious discussion. And suddenly everything was a conundrum. There he concluded how traditionally backward their perception was and how foolish they were. I listened to him carefully sipping the finest coffee and adoring it more. My garrulous friend went on being pompous about how his parents would goad him to marry the girl of his own caste. And right then, everything became crystal clear to me. He was impaired by their parents’ decision which made him boorish.

Having found out that he was in a relationship to a ‘lower caste’ girl, his parents tried to talk him out of the relationship. The reason was obvious. They did not want society to make fun of them. My friend despised the notion to abandon his true love. And rightly so. And the reason that his parents brought forward was not cogent. His beloved was adept, gifted and was thriving towards the beautiful career. Therefore, it was not rational of them to rule out the relation on the sole basis i.e. caste. If she belonged to the same caste, they would have loved to get someone like her for their son. Only the ‘caste’ seemed to be the deterrent which they could not condone.

It was utterly wrong of his parents to draw conclusion like that. But what we (current generation people) do and how we react to the thing further enervates the cause. We fail to comprehend that any first reaction that we get from our parents are not immutable but they are only empirical. They tend to have their stance on that very basis but any healthy talk can alter that. I asked my friend whether he tried to develop logical discussion after their parents’ initial reaction. To my dismay, he replied that their response only agitated him more and he was left with implacable feelings. Subsequently, he occluded the conversation (with his parents) with sheer anger and hurled out of the house. And there he was, in front of me, fuming and cursing his ‘obdurate’ parents.

Perplexed by his behaviour, I asked him if he would accept his children if they turn out to be homosexual. He pondered long and hard. As far as I have known him, he was always a bit skeptical about welcoming homosexuality. His response was an uncertain yes. I further asked him if the answer would be an instant yes or a thoughtful yes. He knew where I was going with the conversation and he looked at me with the guilty eyes. Without waiting his reply, I asked him if he considered homosexuality a stigma. He was truthful that he would accept homosexuality as far as it stayed outside his home. When I asked him if his parents ever had a problem with inter-caste marriages outside his home, his reply was a concrete ‘no’. I added if he was any different than his parents, then? Wasn’t that a hint of hypocrisy bashing them when he would also act alike with the similar agenda? He remained quiet. His silence was a tacit agreement.

We complain a lot about the generation gap and how our perceptions never intersect. But we never realize that their belief and their decision are not always the product of their insularity. We, as their children, should play our part in updating them with the ‘positive’ changes in our society. Their quibble on certain things should not be considered perennial. With logical discussions and proper treatment (without hurting their ego), elder generation can rescind their outdated views and will not refute any kind of progressive changes. We want our parents to take quite a leap but the right thing to do is to lead them to it. Perhaps, our timeline is the one with rapid changes overall and our parents have experienced quite an alteration. It would be foolish of us to dent their transformation. We belong to the generation who think we are always right and any changes we embrace should also be acknowledged by other generations without delay. We expect older generation to undergo changes frequently and get to the modern side of the world without any hesitation but often times, it’s us who forget to build the bridge for them.

Annapurna Base Camp: A trek to cognizance

Last year, I vented my anger on facebook on how Dashain has been a total nuisance rather than an amusing festival. I reasoned how the time of Dashain could be more fruitful/fun if one opted to NOT celebrate the ‘monotonous’ Dashain and decide to visit our own beautiful Nepal in that period instead. This year, I decided to tail what I presented last year. I packed my bags and went for the Glory. Luckily, my parents did not coerce me to stay at home despite having just three members in the family. My exclusion in Dashain meant that Dad and mom had to sojourn at home in festive period without me. As a son, if I pictured the scenario from my parents’ stance I would definitely rate this Dashain as one of the bitterest Dashains. Dashain usually means family members being together, sharing-laughs, stories and precious moments. For my parents, it was complete contrast as their eldest son and his family were close only on skype and the other son was on his way to the mountains. He was definitely close yet so far. Thus, before leaving, I could picture how miserable my parents’ Dashain was going to be. 

Despite all those, I managed to place my feet outside the emotional zone. Four people including myself set out our journey to Annapurna Base Camp. Day 1 was from Kathmandu to Pokhara. We caught the bus from Kalanki (at 2:30 PM) and reached Pokhara around 9 PM. Day 2 started early (2 AM) from Pokhara. We caught the night bus to Nayapul. And started our genuine trek from there. It was Saturday morning and we walked 9-12 hours per day to reach ABC within Tuesday. Nayapul – Birethanti-Ulleri-Ghorepani in Day 2. Ghorepani-Poonhill-Ghorepani-Tadapani-Gurjhung-Chhomrong in Day 3. Chhomrong-Sinuwa-Bamboo-Dovan-Himalaya-Deurali in Day 4. Deurali-MBC-ABC- back to MBC- Deurali- Himalaya- Dovan- Bamboo in Day 5. Bamboo-Sinuwa-Chhomrong-Jhinu-New Bridge- Siwai in Day 6. Siwai - Syauli Bazar - Birethanti - Naya Pul – Pokhara- Kathmandu  in Day 7.

Reaching Annapurna Base Camp was not a walk in the park especially when you are among those who do not exercise in your daily life. Stairs from the bottom of the hill to the top was not a motivation either. Trek from Birethanti to Ulleri to Ghorepani was particularly challenging and eye opener about what our journey ahead consisted of. Stairs, Stairs, Stairs, more stairs and even more stairs. I have to say that the second day was hardly any fun. It was glum as I only loved walking in plain areas and downhill. But the uphill climbing via the stairs was what I despised most. And second day till we reached Ghorepani, it was all uphill climbing leaving some areas where it was fairly easy walk.

On the way to Ghorepani, we had glimpses of Machchhapuchhre Mountain. That majestic view and the delightful meal at Ulleri spurred our walk. It was from the third day that I started linking the trek with life. Everything in life and in trekking seemed to have carried the same message. Each step I took, I figured out more about life. It was like a meditation. The more my feelings went deep, the more I got ‘enlightened’. By enlightenment, I meant I became more aware to the things around me. The ‘good /wise’ person in me took over and I started visualizing life from a broader term. Trekking was getting the best out of me.

When I was at the foot of the hill, I saw the never ending uphill stairs welcoming me. My first and second days’ approach was all wrong. I always looked at the top and got demotivated (imagining the difficult climb ahead). Consequently, my body used to give up and no matter how long or short (easy or hard) path came my way, I got fatigued frequently and needed more rest or breaks. But that changed from the third day as I altered my approach. After that, I did not see the goal at the top of the mountain. I set small goals first. My goal was to climb the next stair I encounter. The destination was far away but my goals were always near. I did not have to hustle or be worried about my goal. All I did was welcome the next stair and complete my challenge. Aren’t the life goals be achieved that way? One step at a time? That way, I was always steady and I did not fear my goal. I kept on moving towards my destination with ease as my next goal needed exactly the same amount of effort that I put in achieving the previous one (which was not much). I have ambitions with life. Gigantic ones and they have often made me unnerved. I have always feared my goals with life. But now I know how I have to move towards them. I should stop lurching towards them. My steps should be placid and well weighed.

My own (new) approach to the destination/goals was a great motivation. But the motivation was at rife while trekking. Children below 10, elders above 65 were seen scaling their way to ABC. Not only that, porters with big loads were climbing uphill. Locals or not, habit or not, it’s never easy to carry heavy load and climb the hill. You see them and question yourself about the excuse you are making of being tired. The cool zephyr, clear weather, blue rivers with a magical sound directly from Himalayas, the beautiful scenes, exquisite smile of the snow-covered mountains, songs of birds and animals, the ‘homelike’ jungles and so many other things were inarguably the best of the motivations. But what trekking did to me was it helped me notice the simplest of things that went unnoticed in my daily life before.

The other thing that the trek taught me is to spread love even to the ones that you do not know. Thousands of tourists from all around the world trekked at the same time. Around 90% tourists greeted us with a smile and a ‘Namaste’. No matter how tired they were, no matter what, they always had something to say to us. If not, they offered a smile. While walking if they heard your shriek of pain, they would stop and ask if you were alright. People from different countries with different languages speaking one common language ‘love’, how beautiful is that? What difference did it make then? It made a huge difference. For the split seconds, you forget how bushed you are. ‘You smile at the world and the world will smile with you.’ Now imagine meeting one tourist every 3 seconds. In one minute, I smiled for 20 seconds. Meaning, the travelling was more pleasing. It’s not just about tourists. The locals treated us the same. They were ecstatic to see the local tourists and treated us very well everywhere. Considerable discounts were provided on the hotels and lodges. They conversed with us about our hometowns, our jobs, and studies and even shared a view about politics. Moreover, we shared love. Isn’t our lives lacking love? Are we loving enough? Haven’t we become too self-centered to even wave at our neighbour or smile at them? Aren’t we lacking the essence of life? How can we reap happiness when we sow revulsion in our heart? “Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile.” – Mother Teresa.

As I was edging close to the ABC, I went through the tremendous emotional turbulence. I was euphoric as well as hollow within. Some astounding feelings overwhelmed my heart and mind. I could hardly prognosticate the situation I was going through. I was dumbfounded. As I reached ABC, I figured out what was wrong with me. I wanted to stay there forever and at the same time, I wanted to come back home to my loved ones. I remembered my family: parents and siblings, I missed my beloved one and my buddies. I evoked all the sweets moments with them. Their laughs, smile and their certain reaction to magnificence. I recalled how they would react after they saw what was just inches in front of me (the Annapurna). How I wished they were there with me. I have been recluse most of my life. I love solitary. I avoid crowds. Even at my own home, I am always found inside my room alone. Thus, I was astonished (despite my nature) to fathom that I wanted to be with my loved ones to share my exhilaration. Mayhap, I comprehended the true meaning of happiness then. I thought of the quote from the book ‘Into the Wild’ by Christopher McCandless and smiled big. “Happiness only real when shared.” My travelling companions with me in the ABC discerned my smile. Little did they know the genuine reason behind it.

निस्पट्टता

२०६९-०३-०५
(मेरो डायरीबाट)

निस्पट्टता: मानिसहरु यो शब्दलाई कति नकारात्मक रुपमा लिन्छन् | आफुले भोगे पनि नभोगे पनि, यो शब्द उनीहरुको लागी भयानक छ | निस्पट्टता माने अन्धकार, जहाँ कुनै प्रकाश छैन | र भय त्यसै बखत उत्पन्न हुन्छ जब मानिस केहि देख्दैन | केहि कुरा देखे पछी मात्र ऊ ढुक्क हुन्छ नत्र विवेकसून्य भएर ऊ त्रसित हुने क्रम जारी रहन्छ | सधैं हिड्ने बाटो पनि अन्धकारमय हुँदा ढुक्क संग हिंड्न सकिंदैन | बिस्तारै बडो होसियार भइ कदम चाल्नु पर्ने हुन्छ | एक किसिमको त्रास मनमा रही रहन्छ | कतै ठेस लाग्ने पो हो कि?

तर मलाई निस्पट्टतासंग अगाध प्रेम छ | कतिपय कुराहरु म अँध्यारोमै पाउँछु | निस्पट्टतामा कता-कता म रम्दछु | भानिन्छ सबै रंगहरुको मिश्रण पछी नै कालो रंगको सृजना हुन्छ | त्यसैले होला म पनि अन्धकारमा थुप्रै कुराहरु डुबुल्की मार्दै गरेको पाउँछु | निस्पट्टताले मलाई आकर्षित गर्छ | टोलाएर जब म अन्धकारमा भावसून्य हुन्छु, तब मलाई अनन्त पुकार सुनाइदिन्छन् | आफ्नो अंगालोमा मलाई गुटुमुटु पार्न हरदम तयार यो अन्धकार, मलाई कत्ति पनि भयानक लाग्दैन |  थुनिएको, बन्धक बनाईएको मान्छेहरुलाई अन्धकार देखि घृणा हुन सक्ला | तर म त खुला पन्छी जस्तै हुँ | मलाई मन लागेको रोज्न अधिकार छ र निस्पट्टता रोज्न म कत्ति पनि हिचकिचाउदिन | कालो निशामामै ताराहरु मिलिक-मिलिक गर्छन्, चन्द्रमा स्वादसँग हाँस्छिन् | यदि अन्धकार भयानक हुने भए, यी ताराहरु अनि चन्द्रमा रमाउदै नाँच्ने अनि धपक्क बल्ने काम गर्थे होलान् र? अरुलाई अत्याश लाग्ने रजनी किन यिनीहरुलाई प्यारो छ? ती ताराहरु हेर्दा लाग्छ, मानौं कसैले गगनमा झिलिमिली गर्ने अन्नको बिस्कुन सुकाएको छ | ती ताराहरुलाई हेरी-रहंदा, एक प्रकारको शान्ति महसुस हुन्छ रातको निस्पट्टतामा |

डर हाम्रो मानिसकतामा गाढिएको छ | निस्पट्टता आफैंमा नकारात्मक होइन | यो त कसले कसरी परिभाषित गर्छ भन्ने मात्र न हो | निस्पट्टताको परिभाषा मेरो शब्दकोशमा बेग्लै छ | सायद म अपवाद परें कि?

मनको डढेलो

आफु भित्रको ज्वाला

बन्द गर्ने कसरी? 

यो तडप्, यो जलन 

निको हुन्छ कसरी? 

आँसुले निभाऊँ भन्दा, 

झन्-झन् पोल्छ बेस्सरी

लागेको डढेलो यो मनमा, 

अब निभ्छ कसो गरि? 

Some candles that you don't want to burn

 What if someone gifts you candles? One might argue that gifts are not meant to be burned. Fair enough. But what if your country has abundant power cut that you are compelled to light those candles in case of an emergency? To relish gifts, may well depend upon the person who gifted it. If one likes the person that gifted the presents then there is a fair chance of gifts being cherished and saved for future no matter what.

Today, as I was going through my old stuffs, I found this wonderful gift which was almost forgotten by me. Some two and a half years ago, I got a surprise gift from one of the people whom I admire the most. Yes, I got candles. Artistic, handmade beautiful candles of different shapes and sizes. There were three of them and each was equally lovely.

The candles came in a box labelled as 'To my dearest brother' and there was also a letter in it. Before I could open it, there was another message in the box - 'Smile before you open the letter'. That message never gets old. Every time, every single time, I have automatically smiled before opening it and so I will. Moreover, the letter inside is also one of the sweetest ones I have ever received.

In the letter, there is a request to not burn the candles in the loadshedding tormented hours. Clearly that's more a humour than the request. Because I needed no such appeal for that. Those candles when lit may illuminate the dark hours due to loadshedding for a moment or two but when left as they are, will illuminate my many more dark hours of the life in the future. The much needed affection, smile and warmth will be served every time I behold these candles. It's hard to believe that the unlit candles possess more power than the lit ones to lighten someone’s life.  

 

What does a man need? He simply needs love and a simple reminder that somewhere someone is putting all their efforts to make him happy. These candles and letter are just that. They are a reminder to me that no matter how life turns to be, no matter how fast I run, I will always be loved and I will always find someone waiting for me to share the moments. Whenever I pause in this fast paced life, looking for an inspiration, looking for that extra support or the much needed love and assurance, I will always find these unburnt candles to light up my life.

Here's to my dear sister whose candles will always light up my world without being burned. Cheers!

के रमाइलो छ र दशैं??

के रमाइलो छ र दशैं? काठमाडौँमै जन्म भयो, यहीं हुर्किएँ | न त अरुझैं गाउँ जाने भनेर रमाउन सकिन्छ | केटा-केटी रहिएन, नयाँ लुगाको आशमा दशैं कुरिन्न, चाहिएको बेला किनिएकै छ | 'चिची' खान पनि दशैं कुर्न पर्दैन; अझ आफुँ त शाकाहारी, त्यो प्रलोवनमा पर्ने कुरै भएन | बच्चा जस्तो चंगा उडाउने, लंगुर्बुर्जा खेल्ने चलन अहिले त्यति छैन | अहिलेका बच्चा, कम्प्युटर र फोनमै ब्यस्त | तास खेल्न नि दशैं तिहार कुर्न परेन | मान्छे भेला भयो कि तास खेलेर 'टाइम पास' गरिन्छ |

अहिलेका जस्तो बस्ति कहाँ थियो र ऊ बेला, खुल्ला ठाउँमा लिंगे पिंग हाल्थे, अहिले त पिंग कहाँ हाल्या छन् भन्दा पनि, खुल्ला ठाउँ कहाँ छ खोज्नु पर्ने | टीकाको दिन, टन्न दक्षिणा कमाइने प्रलोभनमा भए पनि मामाघर कहिले पुगौं जस्तो हुन्थ्यो | अहिले त्यो हर्ष पनि रहेन | फेरी अचेल त टीका थापेर ठूला-बडाको आशिर्वाद भन्दा पनि बढी 'व्यङ्ग्य' पाईन्छ | मोटो मानिस हो भने, 'ल चाडैं जिउ घटोस्' भन्ने आशिष, आशिष नभई व्यंग्य हो | त्यस्तै पातलो मानिस छ भने त्यै किसिमको आशिष आउँछ | कपाल/दारी लामो भए त्यसमा व्यंग्य, कपाल झरेको भए त्यसमा व्यंग्य, काले भएको छ भने त्यसमा व्यंग्य, जता त्यतै व्यंग्य |

पढाई, जागिर, तलब, पेशा, आदि सबको एकैचोटी बेलिबिस्तार लाउदै हिड्नु पर्ने जता-ततै | चाडवाडको बेला वर्ष भरीको दुख भुलेर रम्न खोज्ने हो भने दशैं त्यो चाड होइन | पढाई, जागिर, तलब, पेशा, आदिको मार-को घाउँ फेरी आलो भइदिन्छ | त्यसैले टीका लगाउनु अगाडी, को मान्छेलाई के उत्तर दिने भनेर पूर्व तयारी आवश्यक भइसक्यो | आशिर्वाद होइन, आलोचना खेप्न गएको जस्तो भान हुने |

२४-२५ वर्षको होऊ, बिहेको कुराले जबरजस्ती पेल्ने | रमाइलो एक ठाउँमा छ, तर १-२ पटकको जोकले हसाउन सक्छ, तर त्यो अत्ति भए मगजलाई भारी पर्छ | विवाह आफुँ तयार भए पछी गर्ने हो, अरु तयार भएपछी होइन | जिवन जिउने आफुले हो, अरुले त पासो बाँधी दिएर सित्तैको भोज खाएर हिड्छन् | 'लौ भोग दुख एक्लै' भनेझैं गरी | आफुँ तयार भएर गरेको विहेको बन्धनलाई 'लगन-गाँठो' भनिन्छ, तयार नभई गरेको लाई 'गल-पासो' | यदि रमाइलोको लागि विवाह प्रसङ्ग झिक्या हो भने माफ गर्नु होला, बिहेको जोक पाच्य छैन |

धेरै बुढा भएका हजुरआमा-हजुरबुवाहरु बाट राम्रा आशिक अझै आउन छोडेको छैन | 'बाबु-नानि तिमी जे गर्दै छौ, अझ उन्नति होस् प्रगति होस्, धेरै असल मान्छे बनेस्' भन्ने जस्ता आशिषले अझै मन जित्छन् | 'राम्रो जोइ/पोइ, गर्लफ्रेन/ब्वाईफ्रेन पाएस, यति कमाएस्, उति कमाएस्' भनेर दिइने अहिलेको आधुनिक आशिष 'रमाइलोको लागि' दिइए पनि त्यस्तो आशिष लिन गएको भने होइन | आशिषमा वजन होस् अनि पो निधार निहुराउदै जान फेरी प्रेरणा मिल्छ | ठूला-प्रति केही आदर मान सम्मान भएर नै आशिष थाप्न गएका हौं | रमाइलोको नाममा 'टीका' जस्तो दिनको महत्व नघटोस् |

दशैंमा मौसम रमाइलो हुन्छ, बच्चा बेला जस्तो रमाइलो नहुने अनि आशिष पनि 'वाइयात' आउने क्रम बढ्न थाल्यो भने, अर्को पालि देखि हाम्रो मनोरम देश १५ दिन जति लाई बिन्दास घुम्न जाँदा धेरै फाईदा देख्छु म | दशैंको खर्चले मस्त घुम्न पुग्छ, दशैंको बिदा पनि सही उपयोग हुन्छ | ठाउँमा-ठाउँमा मनाइने दशैं मैले देखेको/भोगेको दशैं भन्दा पृथक छ कि? देश भ्रमण गरी अरुको दशैं देखेर फेरी दशैं सँग माया बस्छ कि? त्यो सोच्न योग्य विषय हो |

(यो लेख, fiction होइन.. न त, म आफैंले भोगेको सत्य कहानी हो.. तर यो कसैको कहानी हो, सत्य कहानी.. तपाईंसँग मिल्न गएमा कृपया आफ्नो त्रुटी सच्याउन अनुरोध गर्दछु | धन्यवाद )
(दशैं प्रतिको दृष्टिकोण यो मेरो आफ्नो उमेरवर्गका साथीहरुसँग बढी मिल्न सक्छ, दशैं अरु उमेर वर्गका मानिसलाई भिन्न तरिकाले दशा लाग्न सक्ला/नसक्ला यो उहाँहरुको विचार हो |)

हामी सबैको दशैं सुभ रहोस्.. बडा दशैंको हार्दिक मंगलमय शुभकामना 

मनको ज्वालामुखी

एकतमासले मुटु भारी भएको छ.. मुटुको बोझ आँखाले बिसाउन खोज्दै छ तर घांटीमा गाँठो परेको छ.. यो कस्तो सम्बन्ध? मुटु घांटी अनि नयनको कस्तो समझदारी? एकको स्वीकृति बिना चल्न नजान्ने? त्यो मुठीभरको मुटु को पिडा कम गर्न म बेसरी घांटी मा बल पुर्याउछु.. प्रयास विफल, अश्रुले आँखा भरिन्छन, तर बर्सन सक्दैन... ती बग्न नसकेका आँशुले अब भित्री मुटुमा दखल पुर्याउछ.. मुटु पोल्छ भत्भति.. अब भावन्न हुन्छ मलाई.. कता गएर, कसो गरेर हुन्छ  टाउको ठोकी शान्त हुन चाहन्छु म... तर सक्दिन... अगेनामा सेकाएका जस्तो  गालामा राफ पैदा हुन्छ... भित्र भित्रै डाहा हुन्छ... हात-गोडामा  लग-लगि काँप छुट्छन् | त्यहिँ ढलु ढलु लाग्छ.. बेहोशी भएको महसुस गर्छु.. कहाँ छु के  गर्दै छु सब बिर्सन्छु.. कति कातर अनि कति कम्जोर भएँ जस्तो लाग्छ.. के गरूँ, कसो गरूँ हुन्छ.. आफ्नै छातीमा मुड्की बजार्न मन लाग्छ... निशासिन्छु.. 

त्यतिकैमा आमाको आगमन हुन्छ अनि मेरो त्यो अवस्था देखि अत्ताल्लिदै अंगालो हाल्दै सोध्नु हुन्छ, 'बाबु! के भयो तलाई? किन यस्तो काँपेको? के भयो?'

म आमालाई हेर्दै आफ्नो थुनिएको बोली फुटाउने प्रयास गर्छु... भन्न खोज्छु कि म ठीक छु..केहि भएको छैन.. तपाईं चिन्ता नलिनुस...

र जब मुख खोल्छु, ती आँखाको डिलमा ढिल्पिलिएर बसेका अश्रुधारा असारको भेलझैं बगी मेरो ओठमा आइ ठक्कर खाइ रहन्छन.. र म टासी रहन्छु आमाको अंगालोमा आफ्नो मनको भेल बगाउदै..एकदम निशब्द....      

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UNDER THE BLUE MOON!

(Closed eyes, stretching lips, smiling face, picture of her in the mind, feels like I am on cloud nine......)

That's what I experience whenever I lie down watching the twinkling stars under the blue moon. Cherishing the bygones, I start to smile and all of a sudden a sweet fragrance disturbs my nose which attracts me towards it. I start to follow it without caring anything around me. Dead silence (night) ruling over but that has no effect on me. On the meanwhile, cool winds caress my bare hands and neck which gives the sensation of her touch. I smile. 

I move around following the aroma. It feels like I am playing hide and seek with her and she has been deceiving me. I am so obsessed with her thoughts that I hear her whispering in my ears. I turn around.No one. I giggle. I bite my lips. I sit down. I can smell the odor closer to me. Subsequently, I feel like she is playing with my hair; messing it up. I feel seventh heaven. I close my eyes, I see her all around me. (I was following the scent and searching her outside but the fact was she was inside me..in my heart.) Though the physical bodies are miles apart, I can feel her inside. I can feel her beside me, with me(forever and ever). I just figured out that I was in love, true love indeed. I have found my ANGEL.....